Thursday, April 30, 2009

Dear Jan and Sandy,

You two know the best so you get to share my days sadness. Not that others do not "share our grief" but the days have gone by and life is so busy--but you both seem to have similar emotions that hold us to our sorrow and grief--and yet we have HOPE.

I was just called into my boss's office--which is always a treat at this new place. It is rainy and no one wants to go out so he is ordering our favorite white pizza and balsa salad and we are going to have a lunch meeting to go over good things that are happening here. All good right--and as I am sitting there--on his Internet radio out of Chicago comes Dreams by the Cranberries---Sarah Ruth's very favorite song from when she was 15 going on 16. Looking out on a favorite rainy day suddenly turned into a rainy funeral day and part of me was caught on the Vinzant bench at the foot of our family section of the cometary looking from Sarah Ruth to Bryan to Alicia to rain drops and gray clouds, alone and with them and yet so far, so very far away from all 3 of them and missing them so very, very much....

Thankfully my boss was on the phone placing the pizza order as I was drying my eyes and hastening to my office to regroup.

Suddenly I was back at Circuit City with the Cranberries CD trying that one song over and over in every boom box that was in our price range to find the finest sound for our Jeweled Princess for her 16th birthday--and we gave her that boom box with the necklace for faith, hope and charity--the Cross, the Anchor, and the Heart pendants in sterling silver.

And for the longest time that is what I heard coming from her room--Dreams, over and over and over again.


Oh, my life is changing everyday,
In every possible way.
And oh, my dreams, it's never quite as it seems,
Never quite as it seems.

I know I've felt like this before, but now I'm feeling it even more,
Because it came from you.
And then I open up and see the person falling here is me,
A different way to be.

Ah, la da ah...La...

I want more impossible to ignore,
Impossible to ignore.
And they'll come true, impossible not to do,
Impossible not to do.

And now I tell you openly, you have my heart so don't hurt me.
You're what I couldn't find.
A totally amazing mind, so understanding and so kind;
You're everything to me.

Oh, my life,
Is changing every day,
In every possible way.

And oh, my dreams,
It's never quite as it seems,
'Cause you're a dream to me,
Dream to me.

Ah, da, da da da, da, la...

Such memories--how they flood our days. Jan do you remember one of our many family trips to Abilene to be with your extended family and we learned that praise song at the service we went to as a family on Sunday and then Sarah Ruth taught it to us singing it over and over and over again in the car on all our car trips:

O God you are my God and I will ever praise you
O God you are my God and I will ever praise you
And I will seek you in the morning and I will learn to walk in your ways
And step by step you will lead me, And I will follow you all of my days....

So here we are in another fine mess--all the world is going and coming and life is good and beautiful and we stop to remember our pain--and yet, Here in our pain, Step by Step He leads us--and we are learning, learning to walk in His ways.

SR picked a wonderful song for 16--like her mother before her and her people before her--she always had a song in her heart. Whether it was the silliest of songs such as "I'm so blue, ue, ue, ue, blue....", "Little Bunny Fuw Fuw...", or her own compositions of her love for Jesus she was a soul that sang out loudly and clearly with full voice--her life. "So I will sing praise to your Name forever, that I may pay my vows day by day."

I miss her now as much as on that great and terrible day that she was first lost to us--I miss her and find my tears to have a well that never runs dry. And as good King David of old--I live in the fear of God to know that she can not come back to me, but it is still possible that one day we can go to Him and to her and to all those who have gone before us. Books may be written on who they would fill their dinner table in Heaven with--we KNOW beyond HIM whom we love, who our hearts ever desire to see fulfilled.

There are those in the very heart of God that fear God's name. They are those who are willing to forgo present comforts in the soul, in HOPE of future bliss in the Arms of God. Those that fear God have enough in him. We live in a world that pulls on our every desire, but we find as we offer up our present sorrow and turn in into God's love allowing Him to freely give Himself away to others through us that we need desire no better heritage than that of those who fear God.

Yesterday there were fears of impending financial disaster, today there are fears of impending doom through the Swine flu, tomorrow be sure there will be it's own evil--but God has promised, and promises fresh and anew each day--those who abide in Him, who abide ever before Him, who walk in His fear, who long to serve Him, to love Him, to know Him, and HOPE to live with Him forever--choosing to live
to good purpose in this world, shall abide before him forever. We need not desire to be better secured than under the protection of God's mercy and truth. And if we partake of that grace and truth which came by Jesus Christ, we may praise him, whatever be our outward circumstances.

You two remain in my heart and in my prayers and I take comfort in your shared sorrows, your love and prayers. Thank you for sharing my morning as if it were your own.


No comments: